Lady Vortex.

Entering into a new relationship can be exhilarating. You think about each other all the time. Your heart skips a beat every time your phone makes any sound ever, at all. Everything about that person is exciting. Everything is endearing, from the way he furrows his brow when he’s trying to show he’s serious, to that poorly drawn cartoon tattoo he got on his shoulder when he was 18. ( Even though you both know he probably got it last year, and was too embarrassed to tell you. See? Adorable.) But then comes that magical moment when he thinks you’re crazy after witnessing you bawl like a baby watching Marley and Me for the third time that week. What men often fail to realize is that they aren’t just entering a relationship with you, but a third entity as well. One that is definitely a force to be reckoned with; Your lady parts. Women are mysterious, beautiful and complex people. We are strong and valuable each in our own way. But let’s be honest here, having a vagina is a lot of work. (Somebody please make a t-shirt that says, “Vaginas, they aren’t for Sissy’s”. Actually don’t. I want to patent that t shirt idea. I call dibs.) So let’s just start with the basic reasons why it’s hard to have a vagina.

1. MENSTRUATION One day you are a child, blissfully ignorant of many complexities and mess of adulthood when BAM! You’ve entered in the realm of womanhood. You look into your underwear and see that your childhood is gone, and was victim to a grisly, bloody demise at the will of none other: Your Vagina. She is a diva, she will make her presence known. No more going day by day, carefree and spontaneous. Now you have to be aware of your vagina’s schedule. Even then, you should always be packing something because who knows when your vagina might strike next while she is trying to get her act together during those unstable years of puberty. We all have horror stories. (I wonder if anybody really believed that I accidentally cut my inner thigh dropping a knife during my eighth grade Home Economics class? And that that’s what caused me getting blood on my shorts and thus having to excuse myself to the nurse’s office to change into my clean volleyball uniform…) I put this as number one above childbirth, because this is an ongoing thing. It literally robs you of all your youthful years. Because it’s not just a one moment thing, even every month. With it can come cramps, the expense of supplies, sore muscles, bloating…..aaaarrrrggggh! Not to mention a list of certain activities that are less than desirable while your body is literally turning against you. The best way I ever heard having a period explained was in a cartoon. (On facebook, so granted it’s probably quoting something of which I am lost for a reference. My apologies.) Your body wants to be pregnant. Once a month your body realizes it’s not pregnant. Then your body cries in a bloody rage for a week for revenge, because it’s angry it’s not pregnant. The End….(but it never is the end until you die. Ahh the life of a woman!) And if all that isn’t enough……one acronym….you know what it is ladies. PMS. PMS! Pre-Mentrual Syndrome. It’s a freaking syndrome. It can even develop into a disorder! I understand it must be difficult to be around somebody who is irrationally anything, but it’s not picnic to have mood swings. (I’ve learned to have little to no contact with other humans during this time, especially when seeing somebody new. At least maybe then I will just seem hard to get, and not acting out a one woman performance of Psycho.) The worst is when you’re accused of PMSing when you’re not. It’s safe just not to mention it unless it’s just your own. I view PMS much like fight club. Know that it’s real and it exist. But rule number one, don’t talk about my PMS. Rule number two, do not talk about my PMS.

2. PREGNANCY AND CHILDBIRTH So if and when you finally get your head wrapped around having to bleed the majority of your life and all that it entails you hit another BAM! (It’s like a diabolical and intelligent bomb between your legs, really.) The typical modern day woman spends a great deal of years trying not to be pregnant. Who would have thought that you’d be begging to have your period? Because unlike the menstrual cycle, this fun element comes with a lifetime commitment. The power and significance of a woman’s body cannot be overlooked and belittled, even if just for this one fact. It can grow and build a whole other person….sometimes more than one at the same time….(and from the inside!!!) Then you realize all those lovely symptoms caused by the menstrual cycle were just a warm up to get ready for a nine month marathon with a grand finale complete with fireworks and a water slide! (Sorry. I immediately regretted writing that after it was typed.)

3. MENOPAUSE We have already established that the vagina is a diva. Well what kind of diva would she be if she didn’t go out with another….you guessed it, BAM! I’m only 30, so I don’t fully understand or really want to understand all what goes on with menopause except that the vagina, after years of villainy and triumph, goes into retirement. (No thank you to the infomercials about painful sex after menopause. It’s like nails on the chalkboard every time I see it. Uggh!) These just seem like the top three reasons why it’s hard work having a vagina. There are plenty of others. For example, lady parts are high maintenance. Clean it. Wax it. Shave it. Whatever your preference. If you’re sexually active, getting all your parts ready for an audience can be equivalent to primping a debutante for a ball. What can I say? She’s a diva. Obviously it would vary, but I wonder how much time the average woman spends tending to her genital region. (Or more so, who would look into something like that, and how? I hope that’s not a tax funded study……) It’s easier for a woman to contract a sexually transmitted disease or infection than a man. Mostly because we’re just…..more open. It’s like a scary vortex, an important vortex, but scary nonetheless, but still needs the extra maintenance of protecting. And hello……sex! It is literally like a mystery box down there. It seems so easy for men to get aroused and to finish to completion. If sex was like an amusement park ride, men would be like your classic roller coaster. Sure some have loops or tunnels, but it’s the same basic concept, and they always reach the destination —unless something extraordinary or tragic happens. Women are like a continually changing maze that doubles as a fun house. Not only are no two vaginas alike, but every orgasm is different, even with the same woman. Like I said, having a vagina is a lot of work. So how do you explain to a new relationship about the evil demon that lies within the depth of your thighs? Hopefully he’s not a jerk and knows a thing or two….(can I get an amen?) How do you explain, “That wasn’t me, that was just my vagina talking?” I’m not crazy, just hormonal. And no, don’t you talk about my PMS! ….I need chocolate.


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