Friendship, LOSS, Relationships, Uncategorized

Growing Pains

This is going to be wildly uncomfortabe, but altogether necessary. Remember as a child, things seemed so black or white. In the movies we watched, and the stories we read there was clearly a right and a wrong. There was clearly portrayed the good guy, and the bad guy. It was easy to know who was which one on name alone. If you have an uncle named Scar , it’s safe to say he probably killed your father. If you meet someone named Cruella DeVille, probably isn’t the most trustworthy person. But we get older and things aren’t so easily laid out for us. There is gray.

I’ve been thinking of that concept of good guys and bad guys. In light of certain events I’ve been so grateful and humbled by the support and encouragement from others reaching out. But I’ve also been convicted with things I’ve handled poorly, and things I’ve done plain wrong. I cannot heal or grow without holding myself accountable, acknowledging my mistakes in order to not repeat them.

I went to the cops about Jon, so he’d leave me alone – yes. Did he psychologically and emotionally abuse me , etc – this has all been put in previous blogs. I also went to the cops about Jon to protect me from myself. I do believe it was for both our benefit. We have been off and on so many times and every time it’s off – it gets worst. I am not absolving him from his behaviors and actions – but I also cannot absolve or excuse myself from my own. I am not and was not some wide eyed , naive, innocent doe in this story. I’d get hurt. I’d get angry. I’d get mean. I’d get to a point where I knew it was unhealthy, that I was not being the person I wanted to be – and I stayed anyways. . I clung. I disrespected his privacy and would read his messages – which is wrong. (I did find stuff he was hiding and lying about every time – but it was a wrong and shameful way for me to find out.) I had to go to the cops so he couldn’t reach out to me ever, because if he did I could not trust myself to not try and fix things. I bring out the worst in him and he is not good for me. I wanted to break the cycle and burn the bridge. Not out of hate but necessity. He is not evil. He is not bad. He just made some bad decisions. I am not evil or bad. I just made some bad decisions. I am not ready to forgive him, but I’m working on it. I posted the screenshots and everything to expose the things he was doing and saying to me in private so that the behaviors would stop – not so that people would hate him. I apologize for compelling anyone to take sides. I hope someday he can understand why I felt this was the right thing to do. We need not to exist in each other’s worlds.

There is this girl. Years ago now, I kept hearing from people things she was saying about me- when I didn’t have any relationship with her except for the very few interactions I did have with her where I was genuinely pleasant. I didn’t think much of it until people started to avoid me because she told them to. This hurt. I don’t make friends easily and for a number of reasons have struggled finding a sense of community in my hometown so to find that someone you barely know and have actively been kind to slander you without reason – it’s hurtful. (Not to mention that deliberate exclusion is a blatant bullying tactic and emotionally abusive.) I reached out to her to confront her about it and have a discussion and she refused and then blocked me for asking. So I took the gloves off. If she was going to act like miserable brat I was at the very least, not keep quite about it. Someone else’s behavior is never an excuse to act badly. So yes, I owe her an apology. Because she’s a woman just trying to figure out life just like me. She has stuff, just like me, just like we all do. I shouldn’t have written posts including my perspective and judgement on her business. It was rude. It was mean. And it was wrong. I don’t want to be a rude person. I don’t want to be a mean person. And I don’t want to be wrong. I’m putting this in a public post because what I wrote before was in a public post – I have since taken her out of it.

I am sorry for the pain I’ve caused. The only thing I can control are my own actions and I’m not proud. Tomorrow I will be better. This, I’m convinced, is the only way to heal and move on. I don’t want to waste anymore of my life being angry and bitter over things out of my control I don’t want to waste my time on someone else’s issues. Just because other people are miserable, does not mean you have to be miserable like them. I am more than ready to leave these things in the past.

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